12 Predictions for 2012

When the Earth explodes, it will look like the cover of a Yes album

Note 1: I posted this on Facebook a few days ago. None of the predictions have changed.
Note 2: I have included odds on these. Were gambling legal, I would not advise you to actually do it.

1. A top player in one of the major US sports will come out.
Odds: 3-1
Thoughts: We’re due for this to happen, and I think it will be a big story for about a day, then fade out. It will have even greater impact if the player is a major star. Are there really any, let’s just say, New Orleans Saints fans who would suddenly be burning their Drew Brees jerseys if he came out of the closet? People would go, “oh, really? Huh.” And then they’d get on with their lives.

2. The Beach Boys reunion will fall apart without a single show being played.
Odds: Even
Thoughts: With Brian Wilson’s psyche and Mike Love’s ego locked in almost constant battle since the Kennedy Administration, I’d be shocked if they stood on a stage and played together. What does anyone involved with the Beach Boys have to gain from a reunion other than money? Well, money, I guess.

3. There will be a major revelation in the search for alien life.
Odds: 8-1
Thoughts: By “revelation” I mean anything that can be proven to be true related to alien life. Could be microbes in an asteroid, could be an Earth-like planet with an atmosphere similiar to ours, could be the hint of a signal from a distant star. We know it’s going to happen at some point, and if it happens in 2012, it will make the “end of the world” nuts heads explode.

4. A major, common food product will be virtually wiped out by an unexpected frost.
Odds: 6-1
Thoughts: Weird weather + skyrocketing food prices = kiss the papaya goodbye.

5. President Obama will win the 2012 election but lose the popular vote (stole that from Chuck Klosterman).
Odds: 8-1
Thoughts: The shine is off President Obama, but not so much that he won’t win. It seems right that he’d have even less of a mandate in 2012. He’ll take the big states, but not by big margins. Lots of protest voting. Chaos. Wolf Blitzer will lose his shit on camera.

6. Pudding will become the new macarons (macarons having become the new cupcake).
Odds: 5-1
Thoughts: Who can keep up with what the hip kids in Brooklyn are paying too much for? Red velvet pudding, here we come.

7. Either U2 or Metallica will break up.
Odds: 10-1
Thoughts: It’s a hedge to pick two bands, sure. But both seem like their best work is long behind them, and it’s diminishing returns from here on out. Cf. Lulu. Plus, we all know Lars Ulrich has a horrible solo album lurking inside him.

8. There will be an attempt on the life of a major US politician.
Odds: 3-1
Thoughts: I hope this doesn’t happen. But with the anti-incumbent movement, the continued teetering of the economy and so much raged focused on our public servants…I think it’s just a matter of time.

9. Two countries in the Eurozone will fight a short, violent war over debt.
Odds: 50-1
Thoughts: Total longshot. But isn’t it at least possible that, I don’t know, Greece and Portugal might take a few shots at each other over interest rates? Wars have been fought for a lot less.

10. One of the ten biggest corporations in the world will mysteriously collapse with no warning.
Odds: 4-1
Thoughts: Just a hunch.

11. There will be a rash of suicides near Dec 21, 2012, including one major celebrity.
Odds: 3-1
Thoughts: People are really putting a lot of stock in this Mayan thing, despite the fact that it has no basis in reality. If the world continues to be a chaotic and dark place (and it will) people will feel that the prophecies of doom are coming true and will want to get out in front of it. And celebrities do stupid crap all the time, for no reason.

12. Brett Favre will attempt a comeback.
Odds: Off
Thoughts: So many bad quarterbacks in the NFL. BrettFavre’s had a year off. SOMEONE will come calling, and BrettFavre will answer. And it will be a glorius failure.