This weekend, the good people of Hawaii had their long weekend interrupted by a message on their phones telling them they were about to die.

The false alarm sent by the state’s Emergency Management Agency warning of an incoming ballistic missile has been written about extensively, with articles covering everything from how it happened to an exact timeline of where President Trump was during the 38 minutes it took to send a follow message (spoiler: he was golfing.)

Of course, if you’re woke, you know all of those things are lies.

Truly redpilled white rabbit followers know that the “false alarm” was actually a staged attack by the US against its own people. Or perhaps it was a staged false alarm meant to push the US into war with North Korea. Or maybe it was staged as a distraction to throw us off “The Storm,” a conspiracy theory that holds that thousands of high-level American politicians and businessmen are about to get scooped up and sent to Gitmo for unspecified sex crimes.

Whatever the Hawaii false alarm is, it’s not what the MSM wants you to think it is. Why, noted inventor of the Obama birth certificate conspiracy Jerome Corsi thinks so:

So does a Twitter account run by the definitely not racist HouseCracka:

PoliticalGracie is so woke that he/she knows who was really at fault: THE CLINTONS. Hell, maybe they were trying to flee the country before their arrest, and the good guys shut that shit DOWN.

https://twitter.com/PoliticalGracie/status/952976196207341570

And of course, Alex Jones knows the whole thing, which was definitely an accident, definitely wasn’t an accident.

https://twitter.com/infowars/status/952362379572113409

On and on and on it goes, with hundreds of deranged tweets from dozens of accounts pushing the idea that the false alarm was part of a conspiracy. They can’t agree on which conspiracy, but it’s obviously part of one.

While Hawaii’s EMA hasn’t named the employee who accidentally sent out the alert, it’s pretty clear on what happened.

According to the Washington Post, Hawaii’s system for sending out Emergency Alert Message (not to be confused with an Emergency Action Message, which US military command and control would send to nuclear forces to order an actual launch), was an antiquated computerized dropdown menu.

To send out a missile alert, system operator would need to hit the not-at-all confusing option ““PACOM (CDW)-STATE ONLY,” which is an indication from Pacific Command that a missile is inbound. Until they just added it, there was no way to send a test message, only the real thing.

It’s clear that the operator didn’t understand the menu, and that the options weren’t clear, having likely been programmed decades ago. This is typical of US nuclear launch and Continuity of Government software, much of which runs on floppy disks the size of small dinner plates.

Something going wrong with nuclear weapons is a time-honored tradition in every nuclear state. If you really want the poop scared out of you, check out what happened on November 9, 1979, when a technician at NORAD put the wrong tape in during an exercise, and sent officials scrambling in panic that a Soviet first strike was inbound.

https://twitter.com/OrigamiMeme/status/952521980019843073

Then there’s the story of Stanislav Petrov, a Soviet early warning commander who, in September 1983, was confronted by five missiles heading directly toward Moscow, and had the good sense to not notify his superiors, knowing that the equipment was malfunctioning and that any US first strike would involve hundreds more warheads.

And take comfort from that time in 1995 when Boris Yeltsin became the only person in history to open a case containing nuclear codes with the intent to launch, when Russian radar mistook a Norwegian scientific rocket for a nuclear decapitation strike.

In the case of Hawaii, this wasn’t even a military blunder. There was no possibility that President Trump would have gotten faulty information, since the alert wasn’t send by the Department of Defense or NORAD, but by a state agency – one that has no ability to actually detect or launch nuclear missiles. People caught in the grip of their very justifiable panic didn’t know that, of course, but nobody in the US military actually thought a missile was inbound, and there was no preparation to send any outbound.

Of course, things like context and facts don’t bother conspiracy theorists one whit.

So they’ll continue to pretend that the terrible incident in Hawaii COULDN’T POSSIBLY have just been human error. It had to be something much more sinister, because things like nuclear false alarms don’t just happen.

But, of course, they do. And they’re not indicators of secret sex cabals being busted, or of shadow forces pushing us into nuclear war so they can cleanse the planet of useless eaters. They indicate old equipment, a lack of safeguards, fear of nuclear war, and the foibles of people just screwing up.

I mean, who are you going to believe – decades of history, or Chuck Woolery?