Conspiracy theories are an integral part of entertainment, from TV shows like The X-Files to countless movies. But what about music? Sure, there are lots of conspiracy theories about musicians dying before their time, or about secret love letters to Satan in songs – but what about songs about conspiracy theories? Musicians are just as paranoid and conspiratorial as anyone, plus when you throw in money, fame, drugs, and music industry weirdos, you should get a pretty good playlist, right?

It turns out there are quite a few, and I tried to rank them by how conspiratorial they are, and whether they’re worth your time and “research.” I stuck with songs that directly have the word “conspiracy” in the title (sorry, Black Sabbath fans, no “Paranoid”) by artists I already had heard of, since Spotify brings back a lot of songs simply titled “Conspiracy” by artists I can’t be sure aren’t just AI. And yes, in the spirit of conspiracism, there are 17.

17. “The Conspiracy Freestyle” – Eminem, 2002: Slim Shady spends three minutes lazily rapping about the Iraq War, Norah Jones, and doing ecstasy. A time capsule of early aughts nonsense, the track didn’t even make Eminem’s 2002 album The Eminem Show, and was only released twenty years later in an expanded edition. He shouldn’t have bothered.

16. “Conspiracy Theory” – Nick Jonas and the Administration, 2010: The erstwhile Jonas Brother tried his hand at making an early 90’s Prince heavy R&B record, helped out by having multiple members of the New Power Generation backing him. But he doesn’t have the gravitas to pull off singing about high-level cabals and plotting, and the track is more irritating than conspiratorial.

15. “A Conspiracy” – The Black Crowes, 1994: If you’ve ever, at any point in your life, heard a Black Crowes song, you’ve pretty much heard this song. Knockoff 70’s swagger with lyrics about an asking an unnamed lady to “be my conspiracy.”

14. “Conspiracy of One” – The Offspring, 2000: What’s a “conspiracy of one?” Don’t expect this middling pop-punk track to tell you. But the song is correct in that in a conspiracy, “nobody wins.”

13. “Conspiracy” – Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, 2007: The Cleveland rappers run down a litany of “government conspiracies”, but most of the song is a plot alleging their mentor Eazy-E was secretly murdered by NWA manager Jerry Heller’s doctor, who gave Eazy AIDS in a flu shot. Definitely not a government conspiracy, and the song drags on an interminable six minutes.

12. “Conspiracy Dirge” – Danzig, 1992: Two minutes of foreboding organ music. Not much conspiracy, plenty of dirge.

11. “Conspiracies” – Loudon Wainwright III, 1999: Wainwright’s album Social Studies is a time capsule of late 90’s current events, full of references to Tanya Harding, OJ, Jesse Helms, and Y2K. Here he tells a story about how belief in Santa Claus is basically a conspiracy theory. It’s fun, but there’s not much to it.

10. “Conspiracy” – Paramore, 2005: Catchy pop-punk that demands someone “explain this conspiracy against me” and how “I’ve lost my power.” Power going out is a hallmark of conspiracy theories, as is the general feeling that people who once had control and dominance no longer do.

9. “The Mirror Conspiracy” – Thievery Corporation, 2000: Remember chillout music – electronica with slow tempos and light beats with vaguely meaningless lyrics cooed over relaxed synths? If you do, then you probably remember Thievery Corporation. Whatever “the mirror conspiracy” is, you’ll be very relaxed when it comes for you.

8. “Conspiracy Theory” – Scarface, 2000: The venerable southern rapper spouts vaguely terrifying lyrics about the FBI being up on him with illegal wiretaps, surveillance, and being snitched on. It’s not a theory to Scarface, so you’d best stay out of his way.

7. “Conspiranoia” – Primus, 2022: Les Claypool and company run down the entire decade of conspiracism, from Betty White being killed by the COVID vaccine to chemtrails to the reptile elite to even JFK Jr. showing up in Dealey Plaza two decades after his “death.” If you can make it through 11 minutes of Primus being Primus, you even get a Jewish Space Lasers reference (sadly, not to my book of the same name.)

6. “The Conspiracy Song” – The Dead Milkmen, 1992: The comedy punkers run through everything “they” own, which is basically everything and everyone ever. They own the banks, our homes, our children, our pets, Dick Clark, all of it! Even the Jews! They own the Jews! And just for good measure, they put the holes in our socks. Those bastards.

5. “Kicker Conspiracy” – The Fall, 1983: Legendary curmudgeon Mark E. Smith’s rant about the “middle class takeover” of British soccer is so dense with references that even a Fall fan website admits that it’s essentially incomprehensible without annotation. Like every other Fall song, it sounds like every other Fall song – which is part of the appeal.

4. “Peanut Butter Conspiracy” – Jimmy Buffett, 1973: The Mayor of Margaritaville sings about his early days of stealing peanut butter and sardines from the local mini-mart before he and the Coral Reefer Band got big. The song is way more enjoyable than it has any right to be, though you do have to wonder how the mini-mart stayed in business given the sheer amount of peanut butter and sardines Buffett and his crew stole.

3. “Conspiracy” – Gang Starr, 1992: The early 90’s were a deeply conspiratorial time in America, and the foundational rap duo nails the unease and paranoia of a Black community where many were convinced AIDS and crack were CIA depopulation plots, and white record executives were stealing all the money from the burgeoning hip-hop industry. That last one is basically true.

2. “Conspiracy” – The Rentals, 2020: The Weezer side project The Rentals returned in 2020 with a record full of fringe goodness, right down to its title: Q36. The song runs through the laundry list of recent conspiracy theories from a believe who will “never know the truth,” including Princess Di and Elvis living in hiding, secret bunkers, the moon landing being faked, and even old Coast to Coast AM favorite Mel’s Hole. Fun stuff!

1. “Conspiracy Theory” – Steve Earle, 2002: The legendary outlaw country shitkicker wrote “Conspiracy Theory” as part of a concept album about the post-9/11 world, and it perfectly nails that combination of dread, fear, anger, and not knowing what the hell was going to happen next. The song is full of buzzy keyboards and paranoid lyrics about being quiet, going back to bed, and closing your eyes to the disaster all around you – all of which we wanted to do after 9/11.

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